I spent this last week in Ohio on vacation. I had the best intentions to write while I was gone, I really did. I even brought my laptop and everything. But instead I used it entirely for watching The West Wing on Netflix and playing FTL, thereby shirking my duty to write rambling thoughts for all of you people to read for free.
So if you came over here hoping to read about a game I played or an album I’m commenting on well after it’s relevant, I’m sorry I wasted your time. But it wasn’t a waste of time for me. Here are some things things I learned on my trip this week.
- There is a strange temporal anomaly between Kansas City and Mount Vernon, OH that renders the car ride longer as I get older and have more children.
- You can approximate the weather in Ohio this past week by wrapping your head in a wet towel and lighting it on fire. You wouldn’t think it would burn so effectively. I suspect another temporal anomaly.
- True to my minor rant about Chief Wahoo last week, I couldn’t bring myself to buy an Indians ballcap with his leering face on the front. I bought a Cincinnati Reds one (my favorite team in my youth), but now I’m worried that their little baseball man-guy is offensive to baseball-headed men. Our history with baseballs has been notoriously violent.
- There is no amount of food we can cram in my three-year-old’s mouth that will not result in him saying “I’m hungry.”
- Effingham, IL is the least interesting city in which I have spent the night multiple times.
- Speaking of Effingham, there is always extensive interstate construction right in that city, going all the way back to when I started making this car trip in 2006. Unless of course I’m briefly traveling back in time to 2006 whenever I pass through. I’ll let you know if I start getting nosebleeds or something.
- FTL: Faster Than Light is my kind of video game punishment. I’ve played about 25 times and haven’t come close to winning on easy. It’s like playing The Oregon Trail, except there are no forts, just places where you catch typhus and die while thieves steal your oxen and barrels of pickles.
- Skyline Chili tastes better as chili than it does as ice cream.
- There is no such thing as “too many episodes of The West Wing”.
- The Columbus Zoo isn’t so much a zoo as it is an enormous theme-park with gorillas instead of roller coasters.
- Baby gorillas look cute in diapers.
- A good way to look cool to pre-teen strangers? Where an Adventure Time t-shirt.
- It also works for looking like a bizarre man-child.
- If you forget the words to a Billy Joel song, you can just sing his name instead of the lyrics. It’s like he was writing in character as a Pokemon.
- There is no meal that I put less effort into than the meal after a 12-hour roadtrip. Honey Bunches of Oats it is! Just pour the cereal directly into my mouth.
So yeah, it’s good to be back. No more extended absences this summer, I promise. Looking at it another way, I’m afraid you’re stuck with me now.