Hail to the King, Baby

So over on Fortess: Ameritrash, noted ruffian “repoman” has apparently declared me The King of the Geeks. While I would normally question his judgement, this is kind of complimentary to me, and so I agree wholeheartedly. But unfortunately my application for kingship has been quietly ignored by both major political parties, and so until I hear from the New Whigs, I’ll simply have to make a to-do list with all of the edicts and decrees I’ve already decided on.

As King of the Geeks, I hereby decree:

  • Campaigns to bring back old TV shows will only be allowed if the fans promise not the whine incessantly about the new episodes.
  • Sports fans and fantasy sports fans are hereby required to become citizens of the Kingdom of Geeks. Who do they think they’re fooling anyway?
  • All  musicians must apply for a license to continue recording, touring, and releasing merchandise. The application process consists entirely of slaying a dragon. Drinking it under the table counts as slaying it.
  • Science is hereby commanded to figure out how to make a dragon.
  • The only musician now allowed to sing the national anthem is Weird Al.
  • My regime must review all year-end best-of lists to ensure that I’ve heard of at least half the entries. Violators will be punished by being made to watch the complete works of Raja Gosnell and provide a detailed report on both Smurfs movies.  Those not attaining a passing grade will be shot.
  • Spoiling a movie, book, or TV show will get you a stiff  fine. Going crazy at the  mere mention of anything that might possibly be a spoiler will get you a life sentence.
  • A hefty tax refund for those who dress their kids up as various regenerations of the Doctor.

And that’s just the important stuff, before I get to boring things like winning the Console Wars and accepting tribute in the form of black coffee and rhubarb pie.

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2 thoughts on “Hail to the King, Baby

  1. The weird al part just sounds painful. All baseball season long, man… He’d die of exhaustion.

  2. I’m practicing my queen wave.

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