Something In The Water

baby spitting up

Yeah, that’s about right.

About 70% of the conversations my wife starts begin with the phrase “Guess who’s having a baby?” The answer to this question is, apparently, everybody we’ve ever known who’s within ten years of our age. It’s a little strange because my wife and I are already two kids in, and the view on this side is very different than it was when we were expecting the first one. I would be surprised at this spate of pregnancies, but then I remember that everyone admires my wife and I and aspires to be like us.

I don’t really know what it was like to have babies before the age of Facebook, but I feel like it’s an unbearably sappy thing anymore. It’s all sorts of cute posed pictures, coy hints with little baby shoes, and irritatingly vague status updates like “I’m having a baby!” Don’t get me wrong, pregnancy is a beautiful thing aside from the nausea, heartburn, and lack of sleep, and that’s just for the father. It’s very much in line with my experience raising children, a joyous experience covered in a thick layer of sleeplessness, crap, and dirty laundry.

Before anyone thinks I’m some kind of He-Man Baby Hater, I genuinely love babies. At least, I still like them after raising two of them, which is saying something. But I’d be lying if I said I love cutesy announcements on Facebook. So here’s how I recommend we announce all future babies on social media:

  • For the first kid, a picture of the mother looking radiant and joyful, and the father wearing a confused expression that says he clearly didn’t assume that such natural consequences applied to him.
  • For the second baby, a picture of a messy house, a pregnant mother looking run-down, and a father who is holding a struggling two-year-old, who is a blur of motion.
  • The third kid is two parents sleeping with their heads down on the table while their two previous children comfort them.
  • The fourth kid and up get no announcement, but everyone else comments on the parents’ profiles asking what on earth they were thinking.

One thought on “Something In The Water

  1. Having just had our second baby, your “second baby” suggestion fits to an extreme tee.

    I don’t ever, ever go on facebook, so I thankfully am not annoyed by all the stuff you’re describing. I think having a baby has been unbearably sappy since long before facebook, though, except for the few straight-shooters who are willing to say “oh shit, those are going to be some miserable pregnancy months, and after it’s born HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA good luck”

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